Self-Reflection

Something just come over me today and I really felt guilty for disappointing so many people in my 'o' level results. I know what is over, is over, and it is no use crying over spill milk but I really don't know what came over me. I really feel like crying at that very moment.

Indeed i scored an overall GPA of 3.625, which is rather high but based on my history, i should get higher, a overall GPA of 4.0. Aaron told me what the teacher had told him about the class and particularly me, i just felt so useless all of the sudden. To me, the one who motivated me, other than my parents, are teachers and now, friends... My previous aim was really too low for me and hence, i am now going to push my targets up to at most 3.8 and above. Recalling my past, i really had many encouraging teachers but i am just too lazy to do my best acedemically back then. I used to blame the tuition lessons that i had and my parents back then but never did i ever once blame myself for not doing well for tests and exams... But now that i am in ITE, i begin to understand that all faults lies in me and no one else. My first GPA oredi prove it. Seriously, the teacher that i had is really one of a kind and that is why i keep trying my brother that if he gets her to teach his class maths, he may be able to score very well. Those words that signified her disappointment did not come to me directly but as far as i remember, i remembered her telling me, "Aim to be the best in ITE."...

Aaron is right about one thing. 3.625 is not enough for me and should not be easily satisfied with it. 4.0 should be the result i should be getting. My parent told me the same thing too. Being in ITE not only affect me but also my brother. Just one history subject fails and my father was so angry with him. Honestly, i really felt guilty about it and now, i am even more guilty of not studying in the past...

Results!!!!!!!!!

After waiting for so long, finally the results are out... I am just so happy. I cannot believe it as the overall GPA exceeded my targets, far from my targets. Remember my target is GPA of 3.2 or more, well i get 3.625 out of 4.0... And still remember when i say that my BFD will get a 'B' if not 'A', well i get a 'B' and as for my other modules, i get an 'A'... Woohoo!!!

Just so happy... A loser will not always be a loser and of course, a winner will not always be the winner. However, to maintain this kind of score, i will have to continue my way of studies until one day, my style of studies fails me (hopefully not)... Just so happy. But at the same time, there is someone happy but there is someone who is also sad... I could say this is a retribution and i believe in it. For what my cousin did to me, his laptop is now down and seriously i don't know whether to feel sad for him or feel happy for myself but as for now, i am sure happy for myself for doing such a great job for myself in examination... However, this is not the end. I will still continue to work towards my success as this is just the first step to what I call "success"... ;-)

8 October

People often say, "kindness never begret kindness"... I really dunno what to say. From young till now, i had never beaten them before. All i wanted to do is to push them, hoping that they would not be like me, but it all turns out that im doing more harm to myself. Eugene is getting from bad to worse... What exactly had i done wrong to deserve all these? The moment i got punched on my face by my little cousin, Eugene, i felt humuiliated, useless and at the same time powerless. He is just sec 3 and me, 17 of age. The elderly at home had heart problem and i really tried not to fight with them as much as i could. Talking about immature, who is more immature? me?

I hated myself... My size, my characters and everything... All i want is someone to rely on, someone like my late grandaunt... I asked myself everytime i am in this situation, "Why is someone so kind, so caring, had to pass away before even seeing me achieve my dreams and targets?" This world is so unfair. This is as if there is nothing in this world worth leaving for. Whenever i had problems, i had no one to confront to... My life really is in a mess after my grandaunt is gone. Whatever happened, i had to keep to myself, suffer within myself, cry alone under a blanket. All i have now is this blog, pouring out all my feelings whether it is happy, sad, angry and etc.. This blog seems to be part of me now. All i want is someone to understand me better, know me better... You know, standing side by side with Fabian and Eugene, i really felt small. I dunno why am i so afraid of Eugene... Useless, am i? Sometime, i think i am better off dead rather than being humuiliated by someone younger than me like Eugene...