8 October

People often say, "kindness never begret kindness"... I really dunno what to say. From young till now, i had never beaten them before. All i wanted to do is to push them, hoping that they would not be like me, but it all turns out that im doing more harm to myself. Eugene is getting from bad to worse... What exactly had i done wrong to deserve all these? The moment i got punched on my face by my little cousin, Eugene, i felt humuiliated, useless and at the same time powerless. He is just sec 3 and me, 17 of age. The elderly at home had heart problem and i really tried not to fight with them as much as i could. Talking about immature, who is more immature? me?

I hated myself... My size, my characters and everything... All i want is someone to rely on, someone like my late grandaunt... I asked myself everytime i am in this situation, "Why is someone so kind, so caring, had to pass away before even seeing me achieve my dreams and targets?" This world is so unfair. This is as if there is nothing in this world worth leaving for. Whenever i had problems, i had no one to confront to... My life really is in a mess after my grandaunt is gone. Whatever happened, i had to keep to myself, suffer within myself, cry alone under a blanket. All i have now is this blog, pouring out all my feelings whether it is happy, sad, angry and etc.. This blog seems to be part of me now. All i want is someone to understand me better, know me better... You know, standing side by side with Fabian and Eugene, i really felt small. I dunno why am i so afraid of Eugene... Useless, am i? Sometime, i think i am better off dead rather than being humuiliated by someone younger than me like Eugene...