A Story of A Cobra

Finally, everything was done and what await is our graduation. I can't remember the time I laughed like hell, like today. It's not easy to have a friend like them. But it seems like my past experiences turned me into a jerk. My self-defence system can't even tell the difference between joking and bullying. Or sometimes my jokes may not be a joke to others, and offended them unknowingly. My desire to out-perform others also turned me into a person I hate to be.

You know? I am like a cobra, without the intention to kill. But I wanted to act tough and look tall, when facing certain situations, hopefully able to scare away the predators. But when the situation does not turn out the way I wanted it to be, I just run away and hide in my own small hole. As a result, being a laughing stock among the other cobras. Then, a harmless rabbit came along. She tried to change the way I think of myself, trying to bring back the confidence in me and erasing all the negative thoughts I had about myself, putting the past behind and be the real me. Her ways of looking things at the positive side, and cheering others up when they are down, are the reasons why she will always be in my heart. I remember I told her this before, "We are like magnets", in terms of the ways we look at things. After this story, some of you may know who this rabbit is...

One more thing to conclude it all... I find it's stupid to smoke when something happened, especially in relationships. The damage done to you by someone in the relationship is short-term but the way the cigarette damages your health, it's permanent... especially for those who does not usually smoke.

Valentine's Post Entry

I just can't believe how mushy can i be, although it is true that i miss her since the day we broke up. I don't really dare to have my hope high about that matter cos anything could happen. Henry said that there is a hole in my heart and i guess that is true. Often, my heart had conflict with my mind. I don't really know what i am talking about now but the bottom line is, i sincerely wish that she can be my valentine again.

Ytd was like any other days, though it's Valentine's Day. I went bowling with some friends. Seriously, my heart was somewhat lonely. Seeing other couples everywhere, i just wish that she was ard that moment. Actually, none of the feelings struck me until when we were bowling. Getting all the gutter ball, i suddenly remember the time when she taught me to bowl over the phone, and i got a strike. Better not get so emotional now before everything goes out of control.

Often, we do not know what is install for us in life. Things may or may not turn out the way we wanted them to be. But most of the time, we are in control of our life. Whether something will happen or not, it's all dependent on us.

Worse Than Jokers

Sometimes, i wonder... If i got the power to control the world, what would i do? There are really all kind of people out there in the world. Some are unreasonable and think they can get off the hook if they have backup, some are selfish and only receive help, and do not give help at all. My friend say that i am just being too good-hearted.

I agree to that but even a good-hearted person can't stand someone who is so unreasonable. Is it a crime not to answer someone that you did not even know? Seriously, just now at the soccer court, my temper was rising but i tried to cool myself off by ignoring him. If he thinks he is right, what can i do? When he talk to me in an unreasonable tone, i tried to answer him politely so as not to create any unneccessary troubles. I did what my mother told me to do but to no avail. Some people just cannot be respected. The fact that those playing soccer are children, he knew that they can't do anything to him, and me being the eldest but weakest among them all, plus i know he hated me, he will find troubles with me again and again, "人在做天在看" and this war will not end until one day, hopefully i can see the end of him... I know i am being evil thinking this way, but i really cannot stand his tyrant.

Self-Hatred

"Nigel, you are a fking dumbass, jackass, an idiot, a coward and there is nothing nice to describe you! What have you been doing for her, for the past 1 month, to try and win her back? Why can't you do anything right? Why do you even bother wants to keep your feeling for her? Why can't you even answer a simple question like,'Why do you like me?'?"

I am such a failure. I figured out the reasons why I like her but when she asked, I am tongue-tied. I compressed all my other feelings just to keep my love for her. The Flash project and the pineapple tarts I made, I did them for only a reason, and she is the reason. I am always undecisive, regarding whether things involves others or myself. At that critical moment that may turn the tide, I backout! Honestly, I am afraid things may not turn out the way I want them to turn out. I am afraid she won't call me again. Oh god! Who can tell me WHAT I CAN DO? What if she ignore me once I confessed my feelings for her like Jaime? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

"Nigel, you know that she is different from Jaime. She is once your girlfriend and that alone make her different from Jaime! If you don't tell her, how will she know your feelings? Then, all those things you did for her will be worthless! Just tell her when you think the time is right. Trust yourself and listen to your heart."